Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
