Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
