If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
