Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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