Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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