If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
