I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
