I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
