Dual....:-)
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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