Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
