Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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