I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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