I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
