I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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