dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
