I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
