I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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