Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
