your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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