I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
