One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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