This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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