1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
