She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
