So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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