the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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