I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
