u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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