When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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