It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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