I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
