When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
