I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
