Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
barbara walters just said penis...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
