you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
