I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
