Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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