New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
