theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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