I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
