Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
