Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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