I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
