Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
