I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
