Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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