Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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