im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
