your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
