My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I die, sorry about rent.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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