dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
