cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
