Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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