so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
