Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
